My Explanation of My Spiritual Journey
Until the age of one, I was a boundless natural child, that is to say that my boundaries were guided by my inner wisdom (some describe this as the Christ or Buddha energy).
There were no adults in my family: my father was the lost child; my mother was the enraged child. So I had no role model of a conscious mind, no way to learn from an adult how to love and care for and grow me.
Then, through brutal trauma at the hand of a grown up authority-god figure, my boundaries of protection were broken and I was taught duality, the illusion of separation, the belief that part of me was wrong. But I knew that the familiar me was OK and instinctively protected it. So began my inner conflict of good and bad that by design is without resolution, unhappy, and eternal until such time as the pattern is realized, understood, and replaced again by inner wisdom.
No adult paid attention to me, or controlled me, or loved me, or took care of me until I did something wrong.
There was no spiritual adult in my life to guide me, so I was left unsupervised to fend for my own with my broken boundaries, that is, I no longer had access to or knew of my appropriate boundaries based on my inner wisdom.
I floated through life ungrounded, finding boundaries and how to make the world work only through the negative consequences of trial and error (such as anger, fear, and punishment), and not by wise teaching of a mentor.
I believed that if I did everything right, did all that was expected of me, followed the rules, and imitated those I admired, then I would be safe and happy. So that is what I tried to do. What guided my life was the outer world, the separate world of duality, not my inner voice.
This explains in part why I went into the military with its clearly defined expectations, and why at the same time it felt so unnatural and I was a failure, even though I loved flying.
Outwardly I was successful in that I had a good education, a good career, a loving wife and family, and provided a decent standard of living for them and protected them, all of which I acknowledge and honor. I see that those I love do not appear to have the pain that I had (and continue to have) and I am truly grateful to have witnessed such possibility, and tried unsuccessfully to learn the secret from you.
But by comparison of my outward experiences and observations with my inner experiences I realized that nothing significant has changed for me inside. For the last seven years I have devoted the majority of my time and energy to going deeply within to reclaim my inner wisdom, to find my own internal mentor and my healthy boundaries.
This is where I am today: seeking the truth of who I am so I can live that way by example as proof.
These truths I have found so far:
Our spiritual consciousness within creates our outer world, not vice versa.
Life is not duality; that is an illusion for the purpose of teaching.
That others are a reflection of me, mirrors for learning of my best and my (apparent) worst.
There are no right or wrong choices, only learning.
Therefore, there is no need for judgment; in fact, judgment always results in suffering.
Joy is our nature, our natural state, our universal, unifying experience.
I, by right of birth, am entitled to joy, too.
I am unique in the universe and exist for a higher purpose than just living and dying.
January 20, 2005